We lived quiet lives, not out of desire but necessity. The louder you were, the bigger the target on your back. The Imperium Grex introduced many initiatives over the years in aims to ‘maintain peace and order’. Each initiative seemed to breed more problems than fixes. Each program became more intrusive, more personal.
‘WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING TO BRING YOU THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE’
We gathered around the screen. Pa in his chair with yesterday's news leaflet tucked under the footrest, Ma sitting on his lap, Leo - my brother - on the floor beside me, fiddling with his palm-pad, and Hayl - my soul sister from primary school - resting her head against my legs. The carpet looked warm under the candlelight.
We listened intently to the woman with fiery curls and piercing orange irises - the only colour she ever sported.
‘We, The Imperium Grex, are implementing a new initiative to detect and remove criminal tendencies in individuals early before they threaten society. As you know, emotional distress and trauma can lead individuals to do unspeakable things.
To combat this, we have created SIM-4815. This simulation will be mandated for every citizen of Grex each year on their birthday, as a preventative measure against crime of all scales.
To protect society, to protect yourselves, enrol in SIM-4815 today!
Our gift to you.
We have worked with scientists of the highest calibre to discover a foolproof method of removing the part of the brain that causes people emotional distress. Heartbreak, grief, self-loathing, jealousy - these emotions can all be a thing of the past.
Our facilities will be open 24/7 for anyone seeking our complimentary services.
We are giving you the choice between a life of pain and a life of peace.
SIM-4815 and Program Pain-Elimination will be in full effect as of tomorrow.’
Leo tapped away at his palm-pad while the rest of us sunk further into the floor. I always worried that he’d tap too hard, crack the glass, and pop a few veins.
‘SIM-4815’, he read, ‘Each member of the Grex society will come face to face with their Shadow Self - the dark side of your psyche. The parts of your personality that are often suppressed or deemed unacceptable by the conscious mind.
If we detect certain levels of criminal tendencies within your Shadow Self, you will be safely removed from Grex, for the greater good of our people.
Simulation Preparation Tips:
-
Avoid wearing any metal items. We will provide you with a simulation gown upon entry.
-
Bring a document of identification and faction number.
-
Bring a sick bag (stock may be limited at our facilities).’
Leo’s face was paler than usual. Pa nervously shook his leg. Ma whacked his arm as she bobbed up and down like a kid wanting to get off a carousel.
‘Removed from society?’ Leo spat, ‘They'll wipe out half the population. More than half. Who doesn't hate The Imperium?’
‘Maybe that's their plan,’ I snorted.
‘This is no joke, Liv.’ Pa squeezed Ma’s hand. ‘There may be ways to rig the system. “Foolproof,” they say. Maybe we can train our-’
‘Our shadow selves?’
‘Potentially.’
‘How can we train the parts of us we don’t even want to admit exist? And who would trust them to remove our pain?’ My insides felt like a furnace.
‘I don't know, that part doesn't sound too bad to me,’ Hayl chuckled.
‘You’re just saying that ‘cause Dexian broke up with you.’
I threw my shoe at Leo, hoping to shut him up. He had a knack for teasing Hayl, but often went too far.
‘I wouldn't trust them,’ Pa shook his head oblivious to Leo’s taunting, ‘No, I wouldn’t trust them.’
‘Maybe they’re doing what they say they are. The Imperium's last initiative worked, didn't it?’
‘Oh, Dina,’ Pa grumbled, ‘Don't be so gullible. I don't collect these leaflets as a reminder of how caring the Imperium are,’ he gestured to the footrest. ‘It's a constant reminder that we're not safe. Lied to daily. Treated like rats.’ He sighed, ‘It's only time until they pour their poison over the whole city.’
‘Calm down, Hun. Maybe go lay down?’
‘I don't need to lay down.’
‘So,’ Leo began. ‘Who’s first in line?’
A snake slithered through my chest when I realised it was me. My birthday was only a few weeks away.
***
Ma sat us down a few days later, told us that Pa’s cancer was worse than we thought, that he didn’t have much longer but was too proud, or maybe too in denial to admit it. Leo bolted out of the apartment. I folded like a piece of paper in bed for what felt like a week. My palm-pad’s incessant chime eventually pulled me back into reality.
1 unread message - Hayl Dancy
Hey Liv, can we meet at the Beams? I have exciting news! I…
I wasn’t in the mood for good news, how could there ever be ‘good news’ again? But I didn’t trust her alone at the Beams. She didn't have the best street smarts - been like that since fifth grade.
Ma and Pa were asleep on the chair, arms wrapped around each other as I left. They looked like teenagers again.
***
The Beams were shinier than usual. It was a rarity that any of the metal junk around here got a council clean-up. Maybe they wanted to clean up the city just as much as our subconscious. Sand away the rust and remove the grime from the streets and our Shadow Selves.
Hayl was glowing just as much as the metal. I ran up the side and plonked down next to her, feet dangling off. Rats, homeless people, and overflowing bins below.
‘What’s up with you?’
‘I’m just feeling particularly hopeful today! I mean, look at that sunshine!’
‘No, really - what’s up?’
‘I just told you!’
‘That’s your exciting news? “Look at that sunshine”?’
She grinned while I grimaced. Something was off.
I told her about Pa.
‘It’ll be fine, Liv.’
‘Did you even hear what I said? It’s terminal, Hayl.’ My voice grew.
‘You just have to look on the bright side.’
Her peppiness felt like glitter made of shards of glass - pretty but lethal.
‘Hayll! What’s wrong with-’
She wrapped her arms around her knees and twisted backwards to hang off the side. That’s when I saw it. A patch of her stunning silvery locks - shaved, red, raw - and a cut stitched up from the top of her head, ending near her temple.
‘What did you do, Hayl? WHAT DID YOU DO?’ I grabbed her arm, but she pulled away, giggling that my hands were too cold.
She gestured vaguely to the cut. ‘It barely hurt. I know I'll definitely pass the SIM now!”
She sounded like an automated answering machine, with all her responses prerecorded in a tone unfamiliar and irritating to normal people with normal, human problems.
‘You should do it too, Liv!’
‘Absolutely not. I don’t want my pain removed-’
‘But everything is so much better now!’ she interrupted.
‘No, it’s not!’ I spat, ‘You’re just blind to it now!’
I couldn’t tell if I was more angry with her or The Imperium. They were the ones who did this. She was just vulnerable enough to fall for it.
I sat with her for a while, wondering what to do next until her positivity became too toxic for me to swallow.
‘I need to get home to Pa. Are you alright by yourself?’
‘Why wouldn’t I be?’
‘I’ll check on you later, okay?’
‘Yes, ma’am!’
I rolled my eyes as I slid down the beam, my stomach churning at every movement.
The alleys were unusually full. Guards at each corner, ready to pounce. Propaganda was glued to every surface:
Enrol Now: Face Yourself or We Will.
Heartbroken? Grieving? Call us Today!
Happiness is Just a Booking Away!
These slogans planted seeds of insurgency within me. What makes a good initiative anyway? A dash of brainwashing, a hint of family values, a smidge of guilt, and a bucket load of fear. Fear them. Fear yourself. Fear the simulation. Fear. Listen. Obey.
‘Marta! What’s this!?’ A man shrieked at his wife, pointing to her scar, holding her by the sides while she grinned. A few seconds later a guard slung a bag over his head and dragged him into the back of a truck. She didn’t protest, she let them take him.
I remained silent, eyes down, face flushed until protected by the cloak of privacy our apartment granted.
***
‘The poison has officially hit the fan!’ I wiggled out of my hood and hung it on the hook. Ma was in the kitchen washing carrots who were about to lose their heads. The room smelled of honey tea. I clocked Pa’s chair. It was empty.
‘Where’s Pa?’
She glanced up briefly from the sink with a knife in hand. ‘He died, Luv.’
I moved further into the room. There was half a mug of coffee on the table and Pa's reading glasses lying on the carpet.
‘That's not funny. Is he having a nap? I need to talk to you both.’
‘You must be tired, my sweets. He died. They took him away,’ she chirped.
Their bedroom was empty, still. No sign of life. No sign of Pa. Just their floral bedspread, neat, unbothered. Bile bubbled to the top of my throat.
‘Ma, why are you-’
She leant down into the freezer, her syrup-coloured hair falling gently out of its bun - and there it was. The same cut. Red, raw, stitched.
‘No,’ my voice barely escaped my insides. ‘Ma! No! What the hell did you do?! When did you go in? Where did they take Pa?! Ma! Say something!’
‘Everything happens for a reason, my girl.’
‘Did he even pass away or did they take him away?’
‘He passed away, Luv. I woke up to him cold as ice. I called for help. They took him away and dropped me off at the facility. They saw how much pain I was in and asked if I wanted their help. I did.’
‘You can't just erase Pa! You need to grieve him. Grief is love, Ma!.’
‘Here, sit, and you can pick out a cake for your birthday next week. Something with peppermint, your favourite.’
My body was frozen like a deer in headlights. She stared at me with a sickly sweet smile. She wasn't my Ma. I couldn’t stop those tiny glass spheres from falling out of my sockets as I desperately tried to connect to a shell of a human.
‘Is Leo back?’ I wiped my nose and kept my distance. There was a stranger in my home.
‘No, Luv. Haven’t seen him in days. Do you want beans as well?’
A fog filled my chest. Pa was gone. Ma and Hayl were gone, for all intents and purposes. Leo. I had to find Leo.
***
I found him the following week. All over the news.
FUGITIVE SHOT AT BORDER.
'Thirty-two-year-old Leo Spelling has been shot at the border after attempts to escape Grex. To his fellow rebels: take this as a lesson.'
‘Leo’s in a better place now, with his Pa.’ Ma whispered to herself.
***
I turned 28 on a Tuesday at 11am and was enrolled in SIM-4815 by noon. Ma sang to me as she placed a peppermint cake on the table, a singular blue candle flickering under the neon glow of the disintegrating city outside.
‘Make a wish, Luv.’
I wished to hear Pa’s voice again. I wished Leo escaped. I wished Hayl and Ma would wake up from this nightmare, but their scars proved permanency. I wished I would somehow pass the SIM. The branches of rebellion within me needed to be controlled, trimmed, pruned. I couldn't let a single twig catch their eye.
But I knew I only got one wish.
When Ma left the room, I grabbed the lighter and began melting down the sides of the cake. If only it were this easy to melt away The Imperium Grex. The whole mud went up in flames. Its peppermint insides leaked out and stained the carpet.
***
They dabbed something cold onto my neck as they secured wires to my body. The room smelt sterile, bitter.
‘You’ll feel a prick in 3, 2, 1…’
They inserted the large needle. It hurt more than I dared to show.
Lie to yourself! I demanded before blacking out. I found consciousness in a similar yet slightly darker room. I wasn't alone.
She didn’t look like me from behind - my Shadow Self - hunched, gangly. As she cricked her neck to the side, I saw a slight resemblance. A surge of panic burst through my skeleton. If you had the chance to speak to your dark side, the version of you you constantly try to smother, to silence - what would you say?
She peered at me in what looked like awe, wonder. But then suspicion. A slight and sudden change in her demeanour set my heart racing. A quick drop of the chin, a raised eyebrow, and then a soft yet taunting smile. She ran on all fours towards me, speeding through the room, limbs contorting and stretching out. She secured her hand around my throat and smashed me into the matte black wall. I heard a crunch but couldn’t tell what had broken. Was it me? Was it the wall? Was it her?
‘You look different, yes, something’s different,’ she hissed.
I didn’t answer. I caught my reflection in the opposing glass. Blood trickled down to my lips like spilled wine.
‘Uh,’ she began, tilting her head slowly each way to analyse my face. I felt like a bird caught in a fence. Her fingers were stiff, icy. I imagined them crunching into dust.
‘I see it, yes, I see it.’
Fear wrapped around my neck like a scarf laced with cyanide. I knew I had to answer. They were watching.
‘How can something be different? I’ve never been here before.’
‘Oh, we've always been together. You might catch glimpses of me. You know that uncomfortable feeling you get when you walk away from the bathroom mirror, as though your reflection is still standing there, watching you? Well,’ that sly grin again, ‘I was.’
My teeth chattered like Tic Tacs in someone's pocket.
‘Yes, there's something new here.’ She clicked her tongue, cheek so close, it almost touched mine. Her breath smelt of peppermint.
‘You’re angry. Furious. Resentful.’ Her neck crunched to the right. ‘Your Pa. Dead. Your brother. Dead. Your Ma,’ she paused. ‘Close enough.’
I took a short, sharp breath in through my nose and tried to ignore the taste of blood.
‘You're a stubborn one.’
‘What do you want?’
‘You know what I want. But I fear you're too weak to deliver.’
Don’t say it. I thought to myself. Please, don’t say it.
She moved her skeleton-like cheeks closer to mine.
‘I heard that,’ she hissed. ‘I hear everything. I see everything. You know what I want you to do.’
‘I’m not doing anything for you!’
‘Oh, but you will, my dear. You will.’
She tightened her grip around my throat as her other hand dug into my ribs. She hissed,
‘Take.
Them.
Down.’
There it was. Any confidence I had in suppressing my feelings towards the Imperium fled like water bursting out of a hydrant.
I’ve lost their game.
***
‘Please go to the waiting room until your results are ready. When you see your number flash on the screen, go to the front desk.’
I tried to tie the back of my gown together. I felt lethargic. I sat shivering, surrounded by other disoriented citizens, some rocking in a foetal position, others whispering to themselves. My number flashed.
‘Liv,’ the lady's voice was stern. I felt like I was in school again. ‘You failed.’ She handed me the slip of paper.
Livinia Spelling
age: 28 - 63kg - eyes: brown - hair: brown - occupation: unemployed
IMMEDIATE DISMISSAL
Fear stuck in my throat like a switchblade.
‘No,’ my vision blurred, ‘I didn’t do anything. I haven’t done anything.’
She glanced up at the cameras, awaiting their arrival.
‘I'm not a criminal. Not agreeing with The Imperium doesn't make me a criminal!’
‘It makes you a rebel.’
Men in obnoxiously tight uniforms pulled me away. The next room smelt of latex gloves and sanitiser as they strapped me into the chair.
‘What do we have here?’
‘Number 0715, Livinia Spelling. Immediate dismissal, Ma'am.’
She tapped on her palm-pad. ‘Father - Deceased. Mother - Cleansed. Brother - Removed. Can see who you take after.’
She fixed me with a patronising stare.
‘I’m going to give you a choice. We can either remove your pain and your outrageous feelings toward those who are trying to protect you, or, we can remove you altogether.’
‘Without my pain, I’m nothing. I won’t be one of your lap dogs! You wouldn’t pass the sim either! Have you thought about that?’ ’
‘Suit yourself,’ she tapped her finger against a needle. ‘So young, so pretty, such a waste.’
Panic stuck its ugly, intrusive fingers down my throat and wrapped its fiery coil around my heart, pumping it for all it had.
‘You'll just feel a slight pinch,’ she rolled up my sleeve. ‘For the greater good.’
‘I'll give Leo and Pa a hug for you, Ma.’ I closed my eyes.
‘For the greater good,’ her lap dogs repeated, and then-
Darkness.
***
‘Hello, my dear,’ she hissed. ‘Welcome back.’